Like a flying jawbone turning into a spaceship, we jump from the ancient to the modern, with a little beauty from 2009

Partly to atone for The Stanley Chronicle's failure to publish in recent months, but also because we couldn't resist shaming Baz into losing a bit of weight now that it's January; here is a leaner, if not meaner Stanleys from the Year of Arnold nineteen eighty...six. Seven. No. Hang on, a bloody long time ago, anyway. This is the band ACTUALLY RECORDING their legendary megaselling smash "Terrible Truths". That's right, you are witnessing a legend in the making. No stroking of chins and lounging around a mixing desk in them days, oh no.

Why do you Think You're Dr Who? (BBC1 21:00)
Veteran thespian Malcolm de Vespertine waves his scarf along a series of wobbly white corridors in search of his timelord forebears. Accounts of the slums of 18th Century Gallifrey prove too much for our stiff-upper-lipped board-treading titan. Sob! Ratings! Licence Fee! Ker-ching!

Fall Down a Hole (ITV1 18:00)
Saturday Evenings will never be the same again. Who's had the sorriest tabloid media mauling this week? Over-earning spouse-bashing footie trogs? Expenses-squirreling-slime-oozing elected representatives of the people? Breakfast-shunning thighbone-protruding noseless catwalk brats? Did they deserve it? You bet they did! What shall we do with 'em? (everybody!) Throw 'em down the a hole! In a TV first, You - yes, you - the viewer, can participate in our groundbreaking justice experiment by pressing the red button at our shrill behest. Next up, "Nasty" Norman (© The Sun) Benton from Northampton, who had his hands in his pockets when interviewed about OUR BRAVE BOYS. They're fighting for you, Norman Numbnuts, the nation gapes in barely-contained latent fury at your crime. Viewers' Poll? Bring on the Hole!

Spo (BBC3 22:00)
The entire inner circle of MI5 get run over by a combine harvester before the opening titles have finished. Press the Red button for The making of Spo following the programme.
Spo Series 43 is available on DVD in a 1-disc set, padded out with Hermione Norris reading the Shipping Forecast. Dogger. Light-westerly.